


Stay Long

by eerian_sadow



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Character Study, Gen, M/M, friendship fic, metaphysical
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-04-09
Updated: 2011-04-08
Packaged: 2017-10-17 19:16:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/180302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eerian_sadow/pseuds/eerian_sadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone thought they were inseparable, and then someone proved them wrong.  (work in progress)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_hold on to me love  
you know I can't stay long  
all I wanted to say was I love you  
and I’m not afraid  
~Evanescence, “My Last Breath”_

They attacked at night. Silent steps and cover of darkness gave the youkai the perfect opportunity for a sneak attack. Had Gojyo or Sanzo been on watch, it might have succeeded.

But Goku could scream loudly enough to wake the dead.

The other members of the party responded almost before his warning shout was finished. Hakuryu rekindled the fire, providing the others with light as Sanzo and Gojyo drew weapons and met their nearest attackers. Hakkai moved into the shadows behind their attackers, hoping to turn their surprise tactics against their enemies and catch them in a pincer style attack.

As a result, none of the others saw the blow that took down the healer. But they all heard him scream.

Gojyo’s response was immediate. He dropped his staff and sprinted to his friend’s side. Seeing their companions’ state of defelessness, Sanzo and Goku moved quickly to cover them.

It was several minutes of bloody battling before the priest and the monkey could look back to the others and check on Hakkai’s condition. When they did, Sanzo cursed fluently. Goku cold only stare in open-mouthed shock.

The group’s gentle healer lay broken and bleeding in Gojyo’s arms. Hakkai was covered in so many long slashes that his shirt was gone and his body was drenched in blood. A pool of the crimson fluid was spreading, soaking the ground and the kappa as he held his friend close.

“Hakkai,” he whispered desperately, panicked tears running down his face, “What do I do?”

Hakkai looked up at Gojyo through slitted, glassy eyes and gave his best friend a weak smile. “Just…hold me. I don’t…there isn’t anything…else that can be done.”

The half-breed shook his head in denial. “Don’t say that. There’s gotta be—“

“Shh…” The healer’s slender fingers weakly threaded themselves in crimson hair. “Its…its all right. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

The water sprite tried to choke back a sob and failed. “Hakkai…”

“Its all right, Gojyo. I’m not afraid.” He smiled again. “Thank you for everything.”

“Stop it, Hakkai. It sounds like you’re saying goodbye.”

“I…Gojyo…I love you.”

It was a long moment before any of the party realized that his declaration of love for Sha Gojyo were Cho Hakkai’s final words. Instead of the anguished scream Sanzo expected from the kappa at this realization, Gojyo buried his face in the bloody mess that had been Hakkai’s chest and wept. Beside the priest, Goku flung his arms around his keeper and did the same.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


	2. Chapter 2

He had always said he would never say a prayer for any of his companions if they fell, but he had always known that Hakkai would be the exception to that self-imposed edict. Not only did Genjo Sanzo say a prayer when they buried their friend, he cried as well. The priest was only mildly surprised to find that the human-turned-youkai had found a way into the affections he had shielded from the world for so long.

Hours later, Gojyo and Goku were sleeping—the kind of sleep only the emotionally drained could achieve. Hakuryu was curled up in the priest’s lap in a tight ball of anguish, taking what little comfort could be had from the human. Occasionally, as Sanzo petted him absently, the little dragon would cry sorrowfully. Hiding his own grief behind his usual emotional shield, the priest smoked the last of the cigarettes in his pack.

When the cigarette was nothing but filter, he dropped it to the ground and looked up at the bright morning sky. It looked far too cheerful to be allowed.

“Where’s your mercy now, you arrogant bitch?” he asked, not really aware that the words were spoken aloud.

“Cursing at me won’t get what you want.” Sanzo hadn’t expected Kanzeon Botsatsu to answer him, but he wasn’t entirely surprised by her appearance either.

Hakuryu took wing as the priest turned to face the goddess. “So you can save my sorry ass whenever you feel like it, but not his? What kind of mercy is that?”

The goddess shrugged dismissively. “If I had let you die, they would have turned around and gone home.”

“Maybe we still should.” Sanzo stood up and began walking to their packs, fully prepared to pick everything up and load it into the jeep.

“Then who will save paradise?”

“Its not really my problem. It never was. You can find someone else to clean your shit up. I’m tired of it, and so are they.”

She gave him a skeptical look. “Even if you were to go back, it wouldn’t be over. The youkai will come for you as long as you carry the sutra.”

“I know.” The priest continued packing up their supplies, his hand wavering over Hakkai’s things. Finally, he put the youkai’s belongings back into their bag; they would take them along until it wasn’t possible to do so anymore.

Kanzeon Botsatsu watched this through thoughtful eyes. “I would have done anything to spare you this additional pain, Konzen.”

“That’s not my name.”

“I know. But that’s how I’ll always think of you.”

Sanzo didn’t notice when the Merciful Goddess took her leave; he was too busy trying to hide sudden, fresh tears.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_


	3. Chapter 3

Sha Gojyo was not supposed to be driving the jeep. He was supposed to be sitting in the back fighting with the monkey while Hakkai laughed silently and Sanzo got pissed off. Instead, he was driving, sitting in the place where his best friend used to sit and fighting back tears at the thought of that friend never being there again.

Sanzo and Goku were no better off, for all that they were still sitting in their respective seats.

“Sanzo, I’m hungry.” Goku’s statement sounded forced, and a far cry from his usual whining. He was stating a fact, when he would rather not be speaking at all.

Gojyo’s own stomach growled in response, and he wondered exactly when the last time any of them had eaten. Hakkai would never have let them fall so hard.

But Hakkai wasn’t here anymore.

Sanzo cursed as the jeep came to an abrupt halt. “What the hell are you doing?”

Gojyo jumped out of his seat, trying not to break down—again—in front of his teammates. “Feed the monkey. I gotta take a walk.”

“Get your ass back in the car. We’re not stopping until we get to the next village.”

The half-breed turned to face the priest. “You sit there in Hakkai’s seat for four days and do his job for four days. Then you tell me if it would be okay for me to take a break before I go completely batshit.”

“Gojyo, I…” As much as he might have wanted to, Sanzo couldn’t find it in himself to apologize. “Fine. Go. But be back before Goku manages to eat all the supplies.”

Gojyo nodded, relieved that he wasn’t going to press the issue and even more upset by the fact that it was so out of character for him not to. As he walked away—into the oddly ever-present trees—he almost wished it was raining, so that the priest would be bitchier than usual to make up for his current lack.

But the wish was only half-heartfelt. He would never be able to sit through a rainstorm again without thinking of Hakkai.

He slumped down next to a tree, making sure that he was out of line of sight of the others. With shaky hands, he lit a cigarette and took a deep drag off it. He exhaled the smoke on a sigh, and thudded his head against the tree to think.

No matter how hard he tried, Hakkai’s final words wouldn’t let him have any peace. Gojyo wondered exactly how long his friend had felt that way about him. And why he’d never said anything before.

This train of thought led, unbidden, to a memory not long after Hakkai had returned from the temple.

They had been drinking, and Gojyo was beyond inebriated. Hakkai had practically carried him home, despite the fact that he had consumed at least as much sake as the kappa, if not more.

“It’s a shame we drank all my winnings,” Gojyo slurred as they neared their door. “Could have just gotten rooms at the inn and saved the walk.”

“Ah, but the comfort of one’s bed is not to be discounted,” Hakkai replied, giving the red head a smile.

“It’s your bed,” the kappa replied. “I sleep on the damn couch.”

“You don’t have to,” the brunette replied.

Something in Hakkai’s tone penetrated the alcoholic haze on Gojyo’s brain, and he gave his roommate a shocked look.

Hakkai laughed. “I didn’t mean it like that! I meant that you could have the bed back, if you wanted.”

When he looked back on that memory now, Gojyo couldn’t help but think of that event as the first hint that Hakkai had feelings for him.

Dammit, Hakkai, Why’d you have to go and drop this shit on me and then die? Crushing his cigarette out on the ground, he drew his knees up and rested his forehead on them. How am I supposed to deal with all this on my own?

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Goku ate mechanically, knowing that he was only doing it because Hakkai would have wanted him to take care of himself and not because he wanted to eat. He didn’t know that a person could be so sad that they didn’t want to eat, but he was. Four days hadn’t made that emotional wound feel any better.

The way Gojyo was taking Hakkai’s death wasn’t making it any better either.

With a sigh, the monkey set the bread he had been attempting to eat in his lap. “Hey, Sanzo?”

Sanzo looked at him with purple eyes that seemed more tired than usual. “What?”

“How come nobody could save Hakkai? You know, like they did you?”

The priest sighed, desperately not wanting to have this conversation with his charge. “She couldn’t.”

“But why not?!” Goku felt his sadness turning into anger.

“Because the fucking Merciful Goddess can’t do everything!” Sanzo slammed his hand into the jeep’s hood. Hakuryu made an unhappy sound, but didn’t move. “Because Hakkai wasn’t important enough to the gods for them to get off their holy asses and actually do something for a change!”

Goku watched through stunned eyes as the blond slid to the ground with an inarticulate sound and collapsed in a fit of sobbing.

“I couldn’t protect him,” the priest choked out. “I couldn’t protect him.”

The monkey sat, slack-jawed and unsure of what to do in the face of Sanzo’s uncharacteristic show of emotion. He simply watched, unable to provide any sort of comfort, as the man he loved above any other wept for the man he had come to love like a brother.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_


	4. Chapter 4

Genjo Sanzo sat in the window of the inn room he was sharing with Goku, letting the cigarette in his fingers burn down to filter and ash. Occasionally, he thought to take a drag, but he never moved the white cylinder to his mouth.

He couldn’t get his mind to move beyond that fact that Hakkai had died and _had done nothing_ to prevent the occurrence. They had been fighting youkai, yes, but that did nothing to ease the blonde’s survivor guilt.

He would spend the rest of his life agonizing over this death, just as he did over his master’s.

The priest flicked his amethyst gaze to Goku, who was curled up in a corner of the bed with Hakuryu. Seeing his hyperactive charge reduced to his current depression hurt almost more than Hakkai’s death.

“Hey, monkey,” Sanzo was surprised to hear himself speak.

Goku turned golden eyes toward him, but didn’t raise his head. “Yeah?”

“I’m hungry. Go downstairs and get some food.” He wasn’t, but he knew that he needed to eat. He had to eat, to keep himself healthy, to keep Goku from worrying and because Hakkai would have wanted him to.

Mostly because Hakkai would have wanted him to.

“I’m not hungry.” The monkey’s depression was true and deep if he wasn’t hungry.

Sanzo sighed. He was going to have to play dirty with Goku—the same way he was playing dirty with himself. “Hakkai would want you to take care of yourself. Go get the damn food.”

Slowly, the younger man uncurled and stood up. With a deep, depressed sigh, he walked to the door. He paused with his hand on the doorknob.

“Is it always gonna be like this now?”

“What do you mean?” The priest lifted his cigarette to his lips finally.

“Are we gonna spend forever doing things just because Hakkai would have wanted us to?”

Sanzo looked over at Goku, who stared back at him with heartbroken eyes. He exhaled the smoke on a dark sigh. “I don’t know.”

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Gojyo heard the door to Sanzo and Goku’s room open and close. He supposed one or the other of them had finally decided to go get something to eat. Or the priest had finally smoked his way through the last of the cigarettes and needed more. He supposed that he should go out for food too, but he couldn’t find the energy.

Five days of traveling without Hakkai had taken its toll on the kappa.

He had too much time to think. Too much time to dwell on his best friend’s confession and death. Too much time to think about his own feelings in the matter.

There had been too much time for him to realize that Hakkai had not been the only member of the ikkou in love with another.

 _“I…Gojyo…I love you.”_ The words repeated infinitely in the kappa’s head, not giving him a moment’s peace. Not giving him a single moment where he could let go of his grief and begin to heal.

 _“I…Gojyo…I love you.”_

 _I love you too, Hakkai._

With silent tears, Gojyo tried desperately to fall asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

It was the sixth day after Hakkai’s death before they were attacked again. They attack came during the daytime, which was a relief. Another nighttime attack might have irreparably damaged Gojyo’s already questionable sanity.

In fact, it was almost relieving when Lirin dropped out of nowhere onto the jeep’s hood.

Gojyo slammed on the breaks and the youkai girl slid off the hood and onto the ground.

“Hey!” Quickly, she stood and pointed an accusing finger at the kappa. “You did that on purpose! That hurt!”

“You’re the idiot that jumped onto the jeep out of nowhere,” Sanzo replied calmly, silently thankful for the annoying girl’s distraction.

“You stay out of this, baldy!” Lirin shouted back, turning her angry glare on the priest for a moment.

“Fine.” Sanzo casually pulled out his gun, just in case things actually got serious.

“And you,” the girl continued, turning her glare back on Gojyo. “You apologize right now!”

“Look, you little brat, this isn’t the best time for this,” the water sprite replied. “If you wanna start some shit, great. Otherwise, go away.”

“Huh?” Lirin looked at him like he was speaking a foreign language. “Why are you driving, anyway?”

They hadn’t been making much noise before, but the silence that greeted the youkai princess’ question was painful. It also failed to mask the landing of the dragon landing next to them.

“Lady Lirin!” Yaone jumped off the dragon’s back, followed quickly by Kougaiji. “Are you all right?”

Kou didn’t wait for his sister’s answer. “How many times have I told you not to go off on your own like that?”

Lirin looked abashed. “I know. But they were getting away!”

A moment later, Dokugakuji landed on a separate dragon. “Kou, is she all right?”

“Stupid Gojyo threw me off the car,” the youkai girl grumbled in response. She stomped her foot in a fit of petulance.

Dokugakuji looked over at his younger brother questioningly. Gojyo shrugged. “She jumped on the hood.”

Kougaiji put a restraining hand on Lirin’s shoulder when it looked like she was going to charge Gojyo. “Enough, Lirin. We’re here for the sutra, not personal grudges.”

“At least you have the balls to attack us in daylight this time,” Sanzo said, giving the youkai prince a dark look.

“What do you mean?” Kou knitted his brows in confusion.

“Don’t try to bullshit your way out of this one. That last batch of assassins was too well disciplined to have come from anywhere but your army.”

“What assassins?” Kougaiji asked, none of his confusion relieved by the blond human’s accusation.

“The ones that killed Hakkai.”

Yaone gasped and placed a hand to her mouth at Sanzo’s declaration. Kou looked like the priest had punched him in the stomach. Lirin and Dokugakuji traded confused looks.

Gojyo focused all his attention on the steering wheel, trying desperately not to process his friend’s words.

“When did this happen?” Kougaiji finally asked.

“Six days ago,” Sanzo replied.

“Six days…” Even the youkai prince looked stunned that Hakkai had passed nearly a week ago.

As Kougaiji and his companions properly processed the news of his best friend’s death, Gojyo felt himself falling apart again. Hot tears ran down his face as he tried desperately to keep the sobs inside. He would be damned if he would cry like a baby in front of his older brother.

“Hey, are you crying?” Lirin’s question was the only announcement of her sudden presence in the jeep. She peered questioningly up into Gojyo’s eyes from a position near the gear shift.

The kappa nodded, unable to speak.

The youkai girl stared at him for a moment longer—giving Sanzo time to attempt to grab her shirt and throw her out of the jeep—then she threw her arms around Gojyo and held him tightly. Gojyo sat stunned briefly before turning just slightly and wrapping his own arms around her.

For the first time since Hakkai had died, Gojyo let himself truly cry. Something about the unconditional comfort offered by Kougaiji’s sister broke something free inside him, and he sobbed into the girl’s shoulder.

 

Kougaiji watched his sister comfort Dokugakuji’s brother through sorrowful eyes. The Sanzo ikkou may have been their enemies, but that didn’t mean he didn’t respect—even like—the other group. Hakkai was a worthy opponent as well as a kind and gentle healer. Yaone had considered him a friend in more candid moments, and Dokugakuji had nothing but words of praise for the brunette scholar. Even his own experiences own experiences made him want to get to know Hakkai better.

He regretted that would never be possible now.

“Genjo Sanzo,” the youkai said, looking at the leader of his enemy’s party. “Walk with me.”

He had no desire to hurt Gojyo further with indescreet questions or Sanzo’s candid answers.

Sanzo gave the youkai prince an appraising look before tucking his gun away and climbing out of the jeep. Wordlessly, they fell into step together and walked away from their respective companions.

When they were out of earshot, Kou turned to the human and asked bluntly, “What happened?”

A pained expression crossed the priest’s face before he answered. “We were ambushed. At night while we were sleeping. They slaughtered him.”

“Surely you don’t truly think that I had something to do with this.”

The human shook his head. He truly didn’t know what to believe; it was true about the youkai being too well trained to be any but Kougaiji’s troops, but he also knew the level of honor that his enemy possessed. “If not you, then who?”

“Gyokumen Koshu has access to the same troops as I. It could have been her, or it could have been one of the remaining youkai warlords, trying to get into her good graces. But I assure you, it was not me or people under my command.”

As strange as it seemed, Sanzo found himself believing the youkai prince.

They continued to walk and Kougaiji continued to question Sanzo about the youkai who had attacked them. The priest told him as much as he could remember, giving him descriptions of clothing, skin coloring and fighting style. The prince returned his information with a single question.

“Do you want me to kill them for you?”

The blond quirked an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you’re an idiot too. I told you that we killed the youkai that attacked us.”

“You haven’t killed whoever sent them yet. I’m certain there will be more attacks; you have been lucky so far.” He watched as the human seemed to disregard his words and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

Sanzo lit one of his smokes and took a deep drag. “Not luck. Mercy.”

Kou was amused that the blond priest even believed in the concept of mercy. “You haven’t answered my question.”

“No. When we find the bastard who did this to us, we’ll kill him ourselves.” Sanzo gave the youkai a dark look. “And if I find out that you’ve lied to me, you’ll wish for a slow death.”

Of that, Kougaiji had no doubt.


	6. Chapter 6

It felt weird to have Lirin’s arms around him comfortingly, rather than trying to crush his ribs, but Gojyo more than welcomed the comfort. He hadn’t realized how out of touch with his own emotional state he was until the youkai girl gave him an outlet for his grief. Being the strong man was just too damn hard when there was no one there to lean on when the others weren’t looking.

A moment later, a second pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around him. The accompanying sobs told him that Goku had joined the healing embrace, both comforting the kappa and grieving with him.

It never ceased to amaze him how Goku could do the right thing at the right time without ever needing their advice.

How long they sat like that, Gojyo didn’t know. But he actually felt a little better when his tears finally dried up. He didn’t know how long that condition would last, but he was grateful for it while it was there.

He gave Lirin a broken smile. “Thanks.”

She nodded solemnly, but didn’t release her hug. He was oddly grateful for that; it gave him time to decide when he no longer needed her comfort. He gave her one last squeeze and let go; Lirin responded in kind.

“Hey, monkey!” Gojyo reached back and rapped his knuckles against Goku’s diadem. “You better not have gotten snot in my hair.”

Goku released him almost immediately with an annoyed “Hey! My nose doesn’t get all gross when I cry, you perverted water sprite!”

The exchanged a look and gave each other almost genuine smiles at their bout of normalcy. The grins faded almost as quickly as they had come, but Gojyo knew they were real progress.

 _Hakkai would want us to heal like this. We can’t spend every moment dwelling on his..._ Even in his own thoughts, Gojyo still couldn’t say that Hakkai was dead. He closed his eyes against the recurring pain and knew that he still had a lot of healing to do.

“Gojyo?” Dokugakuji’s single word question conveyed a dozen emotions and confused thoughts. The strongest of them was that something was very wrong with his little brother.

The kappa looked over at his half-brother. “Yeah?”

“Are you…” Dokugakuji was infinitely grateful for Yaone lacing her fingers through his as he struggled to find the right words. “Are you okay?”

“Okay? No.”

Goku blinked wide eyes at Gojyo’s statement. How much did he trust in all of them to let him just admit that? He couldn’t imagine letting his enemies see him that weak.

He stopped that train of thought almost as soon as it started. After all, he had just been crying on Lirin’s shoulder as much as Gojyo. They had a strange relationship with Kougaiji and his followers.

The half-breed climbed out of the jeep to face his brother. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. But I’ll get better. Thanks for caring.”

Dokugakuji gave the kappa a serious look. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yep. You can make dinner; I’m starving.”

Goku laughed at the elder brother’s expression. A moment later, he realized that he was hungry too.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Prince Kougaiji and Genjo Sanzo returned to a campsite that could not have been the group of broken people they had left behind. Their companions were sitting together around the fire, laughing and telling stories. Hakuryu was sitting on Goku’s lap, eating tidbits from the monkey’s fingers like he had always done with Hakkai. Yaone was dishing up something from a cooking pot over the fire. Gojyo looked like he was telling some kind of lewd story, judging by his hand motions. Judging by Dokugakuji’s laughter, it was even a funny story. Lirin was sitting next to the monkey, eating with an enthusiasm that should be reserved only for the really good things in life.

As Kou stared in shock, Sanzo charged forward in anger. “What the hell do you losers think you’re doing!?”

Yaone smiled at him, completely nonplussed. “Would you like something to eat, Sanzo-sama?”

“No, I don’t fucking want anything to eat! What the fuck are you doing?”

“Having dinner,” Goku replied. “Gojyo and I were hungry and Yaone said she’d make something.”

“Kou!” Dokugakuji called to his prince. “Come on over!”

“What is going on here?” Kougaiji asked as he moved to sit next to his apothecary.

“Healing,” Yaone replied simply, handing him a plate of stew.

Neither the prince nor the priest could argue with doing that. Both he and Sanzo sat down near their companions, each taking some of the food Yaone offered them.

Sanzo picked at his plate, watching the good humor of the others through skeptical eyes. Gojyo and Goku were both too hurt by Hakkai’s death for this to be real; in the morning, they’d be moping and crying again.

But some part of him told him to enjoy it anyway, because even moments of false happiness could heal.


End file.
